moments of hope for our future

i know that my last post denied it, but there is no point in that now. david and i have called it quits. For the last time, all you sarcastic children out there who rolled your eyes! But this is not the main purpose of this post (however, the world of online dating may be a subject for several future posts!).
The purpose of this post relates to my students. I have one student, we will call him Drake for the sake of the story. Drake has been one of the lovely children that has perpetuated my fake prejudice against blonde adolescent males under 5'2". He loves to be out of his seat when he shouldn't be, loves to say really disrupting remarks when i'm talking which then takes me a few minutes before i can get the class on track. He likes to do bizarre things with desks, which include riding them like a motorcycle, using them as a dance floor and my personal least favorite, humping them. His mother heard about the last one, it hasn't happened since. However, like any 13 year old boy he loves to find opportunities to be inappropriate in ways he doesn't completely understand. In spite of all that I really actually love this kid.
So now that we all have a clear view of him in our head- picture him in class being obnoxious. When the conversation turns towards Cecily, which the kids know i have a weakness for off task discussion when it comes to her the kids try to keep the conversation going they by asking about david, and ask "isn't he your boyfriend?" to which i replied, since i was still reeling from it myself, that i was single as of the day before (easter, mind you. EASTER. in a hospital after i visited his grandpa. yeah. classy). i laughed it off, well because honestly, the whole situation is so awful it can only be hilarious at this point, so the class laughed with me and still tease me about it when they get a chance (seriously, they will just yell easter! at me while walking down the hall. gotta love middle schoolers).
We continued on with class after a minute and it seemed like an uneventful class. i didn't wallow in pity and we got some work done. After class everyone left and my next period class shuffled in. i didn't notice Drake leaving, but i saw him coming back into the room. My first reaction was something akin to fear, i never know what this kid will do. Drake simply walked up to me at my desk, gave me a big hug, and walked out the door. No comment, no calling attention to himself. Simply a moment of pure concern for someone else and doing all that a little 13 year old boy could do about it.
So here is my testimonial: our future is in good hands. Moments like these are priceless indicators of the compassion and caring nature of our future generation. So the next time you see some obnoxious kids at the mall (as they are wont to be), or children that seem to have no sense doing some activity that seems to ensure bodily harm, please remember that in those insane little bodies is a kind and generous soul. And if they knew you needed one, would give you a big heart-melting hug in an instant. i just hope they can say the same about us.

Why Instant Messaging Scares the Crap Out of Me

So I recently joined an online dating service. If you know me and my relationship situation don't freak out, it was out of curiosity and he's as interested in the craziness as I am. However I was faced with a fear that I have avoided since high school... instant messaging. In high school it was cool because you would do it late at night when you weren't allowed to be on the phone and you would say things that you would never say out loud and you felt rebellious. K, that was my experience. I was a little sheltered and dorky.
Now that I have gained a small level maturity I no longer feel the need to say risque things and giggle about it with my friends. I can text and do that. No really, haven't you ever texted someone sitting in the same room something that you can't say out loud? If you say you haven't you're lying. What I think terrifies me about instant messaging is the word instant. I go on facebook to stalk people without ever having to talk to them and suddenly I get a little message and I have to get back to that person immediately no matter how boring, uninteresting, or creepy their conversation is. Which brings us full circle to the dating site. There are perfect strangers who, let's be frank, are trying to get into your pants, writing to you. And you have to respond instantly! And you have to be open minded because you're on a dating website. That whole "those who live in glass houses" sort of thing. So I can't say "leave me alone you creep!" because I'm actually on the website, I'm asking for creeps. So what do you do? So far I have just ignored them. I'm sure that they have sent out a warning to all other prospectives saying "stay away, she doesn't return IM's." Which is fine because if you can instant message a stranger at 11:30 at night and say "hey girl.." I'm probably not the one for you and neither are half the girls on the dating site.
And don't knock me for being on a dating website at 11:30 at night, boredom hits, okay? and I have to clean out all of those emails about winking. Please please don't get me started on the winking. It's pointless and, again, creepy. So I clean out my dating site emails and bam, an IM. It's enough to make me quit the dating website world, which is probably why I won't. Seriously, it's real entertainment. And maybe a nice little boost for your ego. "Hey gurrl.."

a little hypocritical rambling

Today i was hanging out with the other new teachers in the building at an invigorating new teacher training. yeah. Really though it wasn't as painful as it seems. Anyway, to the point. They were talking an awful lot about marriage since two of them had only been married for a month or two, another for a smidge over a year and yet another just got engaged this weekend. i know! total romantic cheese going on in our school! which could consequently be the most conservative school EVER. at any rate they were talking about gaining weight after getting married and i told them it was all part of the plan that you get fat and happy. duh. it got brought up that i was married at one point and they of course were confused because who gets divorced by my age? so i briefly told them about the old man and i and of course they asked if i was going to marry him and of course i gave my standard answer: no. they were a little confused...
so here's the deal with my view on marriage. it's great. really my parents have an amazing marriage. i definitely believe in the sanctity of marriage and the commitment involved. so why am i not getting married? well first of all the would be groom is not religious so he sees no point in participating in a religious ceremony when it would be meaningless to him. less meaningful then say being committed to each other on our own terms. which, yay good point for him! i always say i would never have a baby with an ugly man but luckily i got a brainy one, too.
me on the other hand, because i would not have a religious marriage then it would be more of a marriage for the state, a governmental union so to speak. so then i would need to honor the state of marriage within my state and country. and i completely DO NOT. this would be the time that i would get on mysoapbox and say why i think this way but the long and short of is that with divorce sky high and people trying to control who other people marry it completely goes against what i believe marriage should be.
hyporcite you cry? well yes and no. yes, i am divorced and though it let us grow in ways that we weren't growing at the time, it was the easy way out and i don't agree with it. marriage is one thing: commitment. end of story. and commitment is hard work. anyone can quit, the committed never do, they may want to, but they don't. marriage should be legal based on the level of commitment and work ethic, not on sexual preference. the rate of divorce in this country has ruined the sanctity of marriage long, long ago and allowing homosexuals to get married could only be a good move on the part of the country.
so, in short i will not be getting married. unless, and i hope this is true, when i'm old and the people in this country have come to their senses, it finally becomes legalized in every state. then i will be running to the courthouse with the rest of 'em, walker and all. i just hope that it does happen in my life time. i don't want my kids to be ashamed of the era that i grew up in, that my generation were such biggots that they took the rights of people from them.

So i have spent this summer in a long battle with the employment monster trying to get a job. i want to be a teacher. no i am a teacher. and i'm going to toot my horn and say i'm a pretty bad ass teacher. granted i haven't had my own classroom yet to prove that but i know it's what i'm supposed to do. i've had so many random jobs, and random majors, but this was the most confident i have been about my abilities in a long time.
it's actually gotten pretty pathetic. the other day i was walking down the school supply aisle at my friendly neighborhood walmart and i literally started crying. i just looked at all the things that my students might need, things that might be hard to supply or that kids will forget. i just thought about what i could do for the kids, what needs i could fill and how thrilled i would be to help them out in any little way.
well guess what? i finally have that opportunity. i have a job. a teaching job. i'm in a middle school teaching language arts to 7th and 8th graders in a school full of the craziest teachers ever. i walked into an assembly today to the sound of drums and the SRO and the principal are jamming on a couple of drum sets. seriously! i was dying! there is so much energy and i'm hoping as soon as i get my bearings i can add to that energy.
so here we go, onto the next stage of my life. i think this is the one that i actually have to grow up and be pretty responsible. thank goodness i am in a school that will let me keep playing!

traditional roles be damned!!

It may come as a surprise to some people that i am not a fantastic house keeper/cook. i know i know, most of you believe that i can do everything flawlessly but alas i must squash that heartfelt assumption. i often forget when i am cooking and therefore burn or other forms of ruining the food. And i don't have a lot of recipes under my belt so i'm often trying new ones out or experimenting and those are scary. i also believe that you must be home a certain amount of hours a day to keep a clean house and i'm not so i'm giving myself a freebie on that one. Plus i was raised not to clean on sundays so i never do, though going to the store and watching tv i now have no problem doing... funny.
So it happens the other night when david is at the house that he decides not to wait on my rush to make a disgusting dinner when i remember i'm hungry and then the inevitable bowl of cereal i will consume instead. Instead he becomes proactive and decides to make himself a dinner and asks me if i want some. This kid pulls out a marinated steak, sliced zucchini in balsamic vinegar, baked asparagus and a baked potato. It was ridiculously good. So as a way of complimenting i told him, "david! i think you are a better cook than i am!" and instead of being humbled to tears by my amazing compliment he instead says."Yeah, i've known that for a while..."
We now have a new house cook, though his humility might need some work. maybe cleaning the house will help him find that...

One way i'm proud of my daughter

i have a three year old and for those of you who have heard of the terrible twos, the reason you haven't heard anything about three year olds is that people can't say it without cursing. My little bug has been really good at being three, she could make a career out of it and i sometimes would gladly sign a contract to sell her to some agency or studio.
However, this summer i was lucky enough to score a job working with my ten year old autistic nephew. N, as i will call him, has a very severe form and cannot talk, among other things, and so it is very hard to communicate. My little bug has had a hard time figuring out how to deal with N's physical way of communicating. Most people do, he hits and scratches when he is upset, or excited, or tired. My little bug started out just dealing with it, but that quickly got old so she started hitting back. Then she went a little on the aggressive and would wind up and swing at the slightest movement towards her so we had to nip that in the bud. So now when he gets that way she will simply grab onto the offending hand, or both if he is really going at her, and gently lead him to me so he can sign sorry to her. i was thrilled at her problem solving and the sweet way that she dealt with the situation. I wish i could take credit for it, but she long ago proved that she is beyond my bounds of teaching.

Facebook Style Declaration

I am a four cheese pizza. Today i was grocery shopping with david and we picked up some frozen pizza and he chose the spicy chicken combination pizza and i chose the four cheese pizza and sadly enough my first thought was wow, these choices are exactly the kind of person we are. i don't know why i insist on being so cheesy and metaphorical but i'm good at it so i'll stick with it(hmm, the amount of cheese puns i forsee in this post is disturbing, i'm asking in advance for forgiveness).

So what does it mean to be a four cheese pizza? Good question, i don't really know. But i don't see myself as someone who takes a ton of risks, and who can go wrong with cheese? i usually appeal to the majority of taste pallets, and even those who can't digest me still try. i'm fine with being the compromise that people make when they can't agree on what they really want.

So say it loud and say it proud my fellow cheese pizza lovers! i'm here to stay. Besides, apparently cheese pizza people make really cute babies, inspite of the child's doubtless cheesiness.