I was cleaning my room today (yes it does happen) when i came across a notebook that contained some old poems i'd written. a few i liked enough to read a second time, despite their melancholy tone. these are the ones that i'm passing along today because I feel like putting up another post yet I am lacking the creativity to come up with fresh material.
getting old~ beautiful lies
i miss him and his beautiful lies
his mesmerising tales
of made up woes
and how sweetly he'd hold me
when he confided.
i miss the way he could find
all that was wrong with the world
keep a captivated audience,
then dismiss it all-
like blowing an eyelash from the tip of a finger-
and chase it with a beer.
i miss the man he swallowed.
the one who brought me here,
the one who would never
let these things happen to me.
he smells of death
no longer sweet sleep.
i miss him.
sorry for the mood on that one, i just liked a few of the lines...
next...
why my quilting doesn't solve the problems of the world
mapping out
fat scraps
and must have finds,
as though piecing together
this puzzle could some how solve
the fragments
that i see
in my window.
simple math,
mistakes fixed with a
snip or scribble.
in the end
the pieces add up to
less than i had imagined.
colors are off,
patterns collide.
i know why
i've only been
concealing to comfort
from the puzzle-
unbalanced equation-
outside.
another tool of avoidance-
this one just slightly
more vibrant.
the funniest part is that in the same note book on the next page is a to-do list entitled "things to stop putting off." one item is crossed out with the little amendment: "too late"
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
My Dating Conundrum
Frankly i'm glad it's not my job to update this blog frequently because i have been terrible. I have been wanting to, but my desire for the computer has greatly decreased since my cohabitation with my parents began. It may have something to do with the speed of my parents' internet connection but it more likely has to do with the fact that there are several people sharing one computer and i don't have the patience required for waiting around for it.
Enough excuses, though my reason for this post is somewhat related. I decided to break the silence so to speak because of a recent ironic observation in my own life. My dating life stinks, and no that is not the observation because that is too obvious. I mean i've been on one date in the last four or five months, and i had to force myself to go on that one. Not that the guy wasn't great or that i didn't enjoy myself, I just have been really blah about it. So lately i've tried to be more proactive about it, in the least exerting way. I have tried to get back on the lovely dating website to make myself get excited about a man. This is when i had my epiphany.
The men i was looking at fit in three categories: 1. why did this person email me? how is it possible that he could think we would get along? 2. this guy is... okay... i could probably make myself like him... and want to stab a fork in my eye a month later 3. wow. there is no way that guy would date me, but i am going to stare at his picture for an extra ten seconds... minutes..
Enter the epiphany. First let me state that i don't think that i would be that bad of a significant other. I'm giving and loyal, almost to a fault. I'm a hard worker and an easy laugher, pretty trusting and pretty chill. However, the people who would date me, i don't particularly want to date (and yes i mean the redneck, die hard hunters, and the service men from Mountain Home [been there, done that] and people that don't try to mask their illiteracy on the website, and anyone who has a topless picture of themselves flexing in front of a mirror, call me picky). And the people who i am interested in i would totally lose respect for if they dated someone like me. Please refer back to the part where i compliment myself at the beginning of this paragraph. However i am a single mom, and if you're a hot doctor you want a hot young wife (and i've just entered my first year of being 29, where i will remain until i'm not single). Or if you're a world traveler you want someone who can leave at a moments notice. And that's fine, i'd rather have Cecily than that life anyway. Or the fact that i just bought a house and i really don't want to have to move again for a very long time. But a responsible guy would probably have a house of his own that he may not want to give up. I realize that's pretty selfish but hey, it's my first house and i want to live somewhere for more than a year or two. Or lifestyles, i mean really. i can't cook. i'm ADD at it. Just today i burnt Cecily's brownies for her easy bake oven. So i am in this relationship and i get home from teaching at four and he gets home from work later than that and i'm chilling on the couch eating ice cream from the carton saying 'hey babe, what's for dinner?' Ew.
So using my inherent powers of rationalization i've decided that it is probably for the better that i stay away from the dating world, at least the online one. Although, with those powers of rationalization is the reality that i will still peek, just in case. And hope that a hot uncle of a students will show up at school someday, just for a shameless bout of flirtation.
Enough excuses, though my reason for this post is somewhat related. I decided to break the silence so to speak because of a recent ironic observation in my own life. My dating life stinks, and no that is not the observation because that is too obvious. I mean i've been on one date in the last four or five months, and i had to force myself to go on that one. Not that the guy wasn't great or that i didn't enjoy myself, I just have been really blah about it. So lately i've tried to be more proactive about it, in the least exerting way. I have tried to get back on the lovely dating website to make myself get excited about a man. This is when i had my epiphany.
The men i was looking at fit in three categories: 1. why did this person email me? how is it possible that he could think we would get along? 2. this guy is... okay... i could probably make myself like him... and want to stab a fork in my eye a month later 3. wow. there is no way that guy would date me, but i am going to stare at his picture for an extra ten seconds... minutes..
Enter the epiphany. First let me state that i don't think that i would be that bad of a significant other. I'm giving and loyal, almost to a fault. I'm a hard worker and an easy laugher, pretty trusting and pretty chill. However, the people who would date me, i don't particularly want to date (and yes i mean the redneck, die hard hunters, and the service men from Mountain Home [been there, done that] and people that don't try to mask their illiteracy on the website, and anyone who has a topless picture of themselves flexing in front of a mirror, call me picky). And the people who i am interested in i would totally lose respect for if they dated someone like me. Please refer back to the part where i compliment myself at the beginning of this paragraph. However i am a single mom, and if you're a hot doctor you want a hot young wife (and i've just entered my first year of being 29, where i will remain until i'm not single). Or if you're a world traveler you want someone who can leave at a moments notice. And that's fine, i'd rather have Cecily than that life anyway. Or the fact that i just bought a house and i really don't want to have to move again for a very long time. But a responsible guy would probably have a house of his own that he may not want to give up. I realize that's pretty selfish but hey, it's my first house and i want to live somewhere for more than a year or two. Or lifestyles, i mean really. i can't cook. i'm ADD at it. Just today i burnt Cecily's brownies for her easy bake oven. So i am in this relationship and i get home from teaching at four and he gets home from work later than that and i'm chilling on the couch eating ice cream from the carton saying 'hey babe, what's for dinner?' Ew.
So using my inherent powers of rationalization i've decided that it is probably for the better that i stay away from the dating world, at least the online one. Although, with those powers of rationalization is the reality that i will still peek, just in case. And hope that a hot uncle of a students will show up at school someday, just for a shameless bout of flirtation.
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